Wrong Words, Right Intention

Substack question and response #003

“Hi there. For the most part, I am a pretty nice person, but I have moments where I act without thinking. I say something mean without even thinking it- something I wouldn’t say if I wasn’t stressed, tired, etc. I’m wondering if you have advice for how to apologize and see other people’s perspectives better, especially in moments of high stress. I feel like a pretty terrible person because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of the people I love. It doesn’t happen that often, but is all around horrible when it does”

Hi friend. I sat on this one for a bit while I was in St. Louis this past week because I really want to give you a real, honest answer.

First, I want to say that this is a universal thing that happens to us all. We all have moments where we think, “shit, I shouldn’t have said that” or “I didn’t mean to use that tone.” I think it comes hand and hand with feeling a lot and processing emotions. Sometimes we do the wrong thing and sometimes, no matter how hard we try, the wrong words come out. You are not a terrible person.

Here, I think you already know what’s most important- you don’t want to hurt the feelings of the people you love. Hold that thought close like a talisman. In moments of stress, bring that thought up in your throat, let it sit in there with the acid that wants to come out and let it dissolve the negative thoughts.

Sometimes it’s easier to be mean when our insides are feeling mean. Why be mean? Maybe someone or something or some institution was mean to us so we are doing unto others as they have done unto us.

When Spencer and I first were together, I was still heavily in the throws of coping with what it meant to NOT be in an emotionally abusive relationship. My tongue was often hot and sharp when I perceived a “threat” because I felt the need to defend myself even when it wasn’t necessary. It was what I was used to. It took therapy and a lot of gentle understanding by Spencer for me to learn that reacting in that manner, to the reality of our strong and healthy relationship, was hurting myself more than anyone else.

But it was easy to react quickly on my immediate emotions in those moments. Stepping back meant facing the reality of what I went through and admitting to myself that I was safe. How scary is that? To accept safety?

I know that the moments you are talking about are brought on by stress, but I think they are similar. They are both acting without thinking or letting our unconscious brain speak for us before our rational brain has gotten a moment to catch up and slap us on the wrists. We are living in a different reality than the person in front of us in that moment. We have a filter held up over our eyes, whether it be an stress-filter or fear-filter, that’s heavily defining that moment. And boom, the wrong thing comes out.

I wish I had a memory of something sage my therapist told me when I was dealing with this but what is going through my head instead is lyric from The Eagle’s song Tequila Sunrise.

“Oh and it’s a hollow feeling when it comes down to dealing friends, it never ends.”

That line, from an admittedly silly song, rattles in my brain often. I think because it reminds me that dealing with the feelings of friends and family, the ones we love, will never go away. So why not figure out how to do it right? Or at least in a way that’s not actively causing harm.

Halfway through the page and I will tell you straight up what I think the answer is here. Walk away.

Talk a big big deep breath. Practice all those awesome coping tools I know you have. Bring yourself back to the reality that is in front of you and say the think before you speak. Think about your love for that person.

But when it does happen, and you need to apologize, just do it. Apologize immediately. Apologize with the same amount of swift gusto that the guilt has when it comes on moments after. Tell them, “shit I didn’t mean to say that. That was the wrong thing to say.”

Be honest because, if they are friends, they will understand because they have been there too. Don’t let it fester. Don’t take it with you outside of that room. Let those wrong words fall flat on the floor and die.

And then say what you really mean.

It is hard as hell to apologize right then and there because in that moment you’re going into fight or flight. But try as hard as you can to do it as soon as possible, and eventually, with more practice, it won’t be so hard. Don’t feel bad if it doesn’t come right away, that’s okay, but keep at it.

Seeing other’s perspectives is difficult but, like the Eagles said, it never ends. Take out that talisman and hold on to it tight, let your love and compassion guide you through those conversations and do not let the stress overcome you and if it does, walk away.

You are a nice person, believe it. Sometimes we have to do what’s harder and force ourselves to take a beat and lead with the compassion in us that is so clearly there, wanting to come out.

I believe we all can be nice people. It just takes some work.

Ps: That Eagles song also has the line, “and the right words never come, you just get numb.” I didn’t realize until after I finished writing and listened to the song again.